Testimonies

What were the main challenges you experienced in getting matched?

My parents not having a wide range of contacts worldwide. We’re quite isolated in our region and it difficult for parents to know how to reach out to other communities, other than the website (which doesn’t work for everyone). Also, it isn’t easy to have the thoughts that “there’s no-one my age left!!” – battling these thoughts and persevering through them was actually the most difficult part.

What were the key decisions and efforts you made to overcome these challenges?

To take up new experiences and opportunities that weren’t related to getting matched per se, but I broadened my experience with the communities in other regions. I came to the DONE programme as a staff member and met new people that way. Also I strengthened some relationships with advisor figures from Europe who my parents could then work with to find a suggestion for a match. I continued to communicate with my parents and they expressed that they were happy with me being more active in the process. This gave me a bit more confidence to sense whether God was working through me and that he could work through me – instead of solely relying on my parents’ inspiration.

What would you have done differently/what would you advise others not to do?

Do not be hasty for the sake of hurrying the process. I was on the website and although I felt somehow I wasn’t resonating with it, I tried to commit myself to that process. When it came to suggestions from the website I felt I had to respond with a “yes” because it may be my last chance, even if I felt huge hesitancies and was actually quite uncomfortable. It helped to communicate with my parents about this and in the end I didn’t go through with them and trusted my intuition instead. I was glad I didn’t just go against my judgment and try to do the “right thing”.

What lessons have you learned through your journey to getting matched?

To trust that God can work through people in your life and also that God is within us and wants to work with us. As long as we can check our motivation, we shouldn’t doubt that we can have a good sense and make good judgments. However, it is important to communicate these and not develop them on our own. I feel, especially as I got older, that I can have good intuitions and that I should feel confident that they are coming from a good place.

What would you say to another Blessed Child over 24 who is making efforts to get matched and Blessed?

Don’t give up! It really is a battle of the mind as you get older. As long as you can assert yourself mentally and spiritually and set your intentions to God and the universe, somehow there comes a response. Don’t expect miracles either, but take each situation as a learning experience and actively reflect on how even the toughest processes are delivering you gems to keep for life. Most of all, don’t compare. It’s easy to observe others, especially those younger than you, and form all sorts of comparisons that really don’t help. Take the time to talk to others and hear about their experiences to learn from them, but not to the extent that it makes you feel less about your own experience. You never know the reason why it takes longer for some people, but in my experience, later was the right timing. If I had rushed it earlier, I know I wouldn’t have the same outcome. So I’m grateful for that time of waiting.

What were the main challenges you experienced in getting matched?

There is this belief in the church (which differs from the so-called “outside” world) that when you turn 25, you’re too “old” to get blessed, therefore you have to rush into finding a spouse, be less picky and more realistic, since there are less options available (especially if you’re a sister). My Blessing broke at the age of 26, and because of this social stigma that I described, my parents tried to push me into get blessed again as soon as possible without considering that I needed some time to heal from my previous relationship.

Another challenge I had to face whilst getting matched was that many guys who were either older or my same age were too hurt from their previous relationships or too negative about the church. The third challenge I had to face was the comparison with my BC friends who were younger and already had spouses, jobs, their own apartment – and even children. I remember going to several baby showers and housewarming parties with a heavy heart.

The fourth challenge was the frustration of not finding the “right” person for me, after one failed Blessing and five matching attempts, I felt like a loser, like a person who wasn’t good enough for anyone to love me back.

What were the key decisions and efforts you made to overcome these challenges?

First of all, I put aside the social stigma of women having to marry an older guy. I started looking for candidates who were younger than me and there were more options and less pressure to choose “whoever”.

Second, to stop feeling sorry for myself and stop comparing myself to others. I decided to work on my self esteem, so I went to a therapist I found trustworthy enough.

Third, to put aside unrealistic expectations from my parents and from me, because all those failed matching attempts were the result of trying to please my parents’ or my own expectations. After having my fifth matching attempt, I told my parents that I wanted some time out and I wanted to do a family condition together for 40 days before contacting anyone else. I was doing conditions on my own before, but I realised a family prayer would be more powerful and effective. I took my past experiences not as failures but as wisdom gems, as lessons that could prepare me to become a better person and a better spouse, so I let go of the pain.

Soon after the family condition and through the help of a “fairy godmother” named Patrick Hanna, I found my spouse. The fourth decision, which is actually the most important one, was to stop trying to please others and start thinking of what I really wanted: what were my ideals and values about love, family, the church, etc. and try to find someone who is on the same page or as passionate about those ideals and values as I am. So my spouse and I, we didn’t “click” at first but we shared the same common ground, and gradually we fell in love with each other.

What would you have done differently and would you advise others not to do?

I would have tried to be less pessimistic and to understand that a relationship is not about pleasing someone or being someone’s puppet, but to actually create something between the two of you. So I would have been more clear with my parents about what I really wanted and how I really wanted it to be handled, instead of just “obeying” them and therefore coming to resent them.

This ‘people-pleasing’ mindset also wasn’t positive for my matching process and even my current relationship. I you’re like me, I would advise not to try to please everyone because it doesn’t build a solid companionship or relationship. I would also advise to find someone who shares your ideals rather than someone who merely attracts you, because for me, the aim shouldn’t be about just being happy, but to find purpose in your life and create an everlasting, meaningful companionship. I also think I could have worked on my self esteem issues earlier, instead of ignoring them or giving them less importance.

What lessons have you learned through your journey to getting matched?

I’ve learned not to judge or make premature assumptions of the other person, of his profile picture, his age, his family name, his nationality or base one’s opinion on first impressions. Also it’s important to ask all the essential questions as soon as possible instead of spending several months of small talk just to see if you both “click”; no one is going to die if you don’t know the other candidate’s favourite colour! Moreover, I would encourage people to ask the most obvious questions: Do you believe in God? Do you go to Sunday service? Do you want children? See if you are both on the same page about the most essential things. I have seen couples splitting up because they skipped this part in their initial process and when they found out, it was too late. As a side note, I would also figure out if the person suffers from any addictions and whether he/she is working on them or just letting time pass.

What would you say to another Blessed Child over 24 who is making efforts to get matched and Blessed?

First and foremost: be patient and relentless. Second: take the initiative to get matched rather than rely solely on his/her parents/friends/BFD staff. If the Blessing is something you deeply care about and your parents are aging and they don’t even know how to send emails, then I think it’s about time (to get involved). Third: do not be ashamed to ask for support from friends/family and BFD staff. I actually helped a 30 year-old BC to meet her spouse, and I feel I didn’t just do the right thing, but I gained two friends in the process. As a side note, putting yourself on the website might seem humiliating, but I think it’s really brave and in particular it shows both transparency and availability – that there is nothing “fishy” about you. Fourth: be open-minded, because the older you get, the less flexible you become and maybe the love of your life is not meant to be, say, a European or White/Caucasian. My final advice for any person of any age who wants to get blessed is to ask yourself the questions: Why do I want to get blessed? Why do I want a spouse? What kind of family do I want to have? What kind of life do I want to live? When I envision my future, is God in the picture? Be as specific as possible. If the answers are clear, you’ll save yourself a lot of heartaches.

What were the main challenges you experienced in getting matched?

Dealing with the social pressure. Firstly from my parents who for three years were looking for a matching without succeeding. Secondly from my peers – most of them were already in a relationship;0 this made me feel that I was stuck and that I had less value than others. I felt the process of getting matched was quite limited and frustrating, my character wants to get things done quickly! I tried to find someone in many ways but without success. I felt that I had to try, because I don’t believe that waiting (and doing nothing) is the answer.

What were the key decisions and efforts you made to overcome these challenges?

One of the key decisions was to tell to myself that was all right. It’s fine to be single, and my life is so precious! Regardless of what society tells us about what is normal or not normal, I am free to choose, I am free to love.

What would you have done differently/what misjudgements or mistakes would you advise not to do?

Instead of focusing so much on finding someone, I should have focused on being my best self!

What lessons have you learned through your journey to getting matched?

I have learned that I should love myself more. I should respect myself, that’s the only way we can love another person.

What would you say to another Blessed Child over 24 who is making efforts to get matched and Blessed?

I would say, ‘Be your best self’. Set your heart free from any pressure or possessive feelings; love is free. That said, practical details do matter.

What were the main challenges you experienced in getting matched?

The challenges were on several levels. On the one hand, it was my own character. For myself, True Parents’ matching was much more easy or comfortable, because I would not need to come up with so much energy to get to know again and again a new person. With True Parents’ matching you get given your match and then you start investing in this relationship. Of course there is the possibility that things might get difficult, but I think Parents Matching doesn´t differ that much in this aspect. Although in this process it was difficult for me to open up again and again (to suggested matches), I could work at overcoming this weakness that I have. Now I can more easily connect with other people.

On the other hand, it found it difficult because every person, whether they are conscious of it or not, has certain ideas about his or her own future partner or son-in-law or daughter-in-law. So parents and their children limit themselves by not being open enough.

Lastly, it is a matter of idealistic versus realistic thinking. I went originally to True Parents’ matching. I was pretty much aware of myself, and that I was ready to accept a partner I had never met before. I did not have many concepts about how needs to be, etc. When I met her, I wasn´t immediately hooked, but it didn´t really take long to overcome my false thinking and to start building up a relationship with her (unfortunately it did not develop well…).

Then with parents’ matching I wanted to have the same attitude, but I maybe I restricted myself too much? Back then I had the attitude that I can deal with certain characters, no matter how difficult it may be for me, that I will do my best to love my spouse. But during all the matching processes, I sank down by having this attitude: too much frustration, too much disappointment. So I had to take a break and “deal” with my attitude, I took time to analyze how it came to this point, to find a solution and then continue.

What were the key decisions and efforts you made to overcome these challenges?

For certain issues, you have not much influence. Every person has his or her strong points and weak points. In Germany there is a saying: “No master ever fell from the sky”, which means you always start at the bottom and if you make effort, you can develop. So even if you have a weak point, you can work on this weak point. Maybe you will never be as good as someone who is talented in a certain field, but you might reach a level which can be considered good. Everything else is just an excuse. So try again and again and try to keep the right attitude. Try to meet every person in the matching process, without pre-judging. Give him or her a chance. You never know how it will go. I tried to give the other person as much input about myself as possible. This means you might make yourself more vulnerable, but afterwards you can say that you really tried.

You should continuously check your own attitude, especially your motivation. I realise that at one point, because I was frustrated, I started to be much more desperate to get matched and blessed. I should rather have focussed and asked myself: ‘How can I love my future spouse? What can I give her?’

As well, I didn´t read that much Hoon Dok Hwe (HDH) anymore. The influence from secular society is strong. Why is it important to do HDH? You allow your mind to get nourished with certain content, you give your conscience new energy. And then it is important to think how to apply what you have read.

One needs to make conditions, but conditions can be much simpler than most people think. Every action you do during your day is a condition

What would you have done differently or what would you advise others not to do?

Keep your spiritual life alive, keep asking yourself about your own motivation, before deciding to do certain action steps. You should really make effort to get clear with yourself what matching and blessing means to you. Getting matched is not the goal; if you say ‘yes’ to a matching you say ‘yes’ to a blessing. I would also say that there is no need to spend more than six months getting to know each other. You have to be aware that your partner is not going to be perfect – you will be the person to help your spouse become better. Your spouse, and then your children, are your very own messiahs. I believe that.

What lessons have you learned through your journey to getting matched?

Things are not always easy in our church and we should dream less and do more.

What would you say to another Blessed Child over 24 who is making efforts to get matched and Blessed?

There may be no fault on your part, but keep looking at yourself, what motivation do you have, why you want to get matched and what can you give your future spouse – I am not speaking about materialistic stuff. Don´t think about what your spouse can give you, or what you want to have from your spouse. Sooner or later it will happen. Don’t become too attached to your single life or it may be more difficult to start to live with someone else or to let another person into your life.

What were the main challenges you experienced in getting matched?

I had the idea that only “troubled” people were left unmatched. Still I always managed to put my faith in them and had high hopes that everything would work out, but I had the experience of the other person braking off the matching. I remained active in the church, but as time went by I felt more and more out of place. As the Blessing is such a main part of the theology and our life-style, the discrepancy in my own life became almost too much to bear. I had never gotten to the point that I wanted to give up, leave the church or find somebody outside the church, but I was beginning to feel very stupid: “What’s in it for me? Why give so much when nothing is coming back?”

What were the key decisions and efforts you made to overcome these challenges?

As I said I never actually lost faith in the Blessing. I always knew that once it was supposed to happen (the right guy came along) it would all happen very quickly and smoothly. I was worried, though, about turning thirty and not being Blessed yet.

What would you have done differently or what would you advise others not to do?

I would have hoped not to have my first Blessing broken. I really don’t know if it would have been good in the long run, but that threw me off for a couple of years. I would say, do not put your life on hold. Decisions such as what to study, where to live, what work to do, to spend or save, or to travel were impossible for me for a while because the issue of getting Blessed seemed to lurk just around the corner. This waiting in limbo sucked a lot of energy out of me and made my university studies a drag. Although it might seem like the last thing you want to do – go out and do whatever you want (in accordance with your original mind of course!) I’d like to think that creates the right kind of energy and also gives you maturing experiences that will be conducive to getting matched and blessed in the future.

What lessons have you learned through your journey to getting matched?

The Blessing is very humbling, which I mean in an extremely positive way. When the Blessing finally comes, it is a real Blessing. It’s the most wonderful feeling to receive something that is rightfully and fully yours. This ordeal of the long kind of matching process shaped me to become the person who can appreciate and see the value. I don’t regret that it took so long. Everything is perfect now (maybe not by other people’s standards and certainly not by external standards), everything that matters.

What would you say to another Blessed Child over 24 who is making efforts to get matched and Blessed?

I know it’s tough, it’s the worst; it doesn’t make any sense. Still, stay as open as possible. I found it very painful when somebody once told me “You can’t be picky.” because, despite everything, I didn’t have to accept someone if it was against my intuition and my wants. And yet, within my own capability, by myself, I came to a point where I felt I could have accepted anyone (I hope that makes sense), my heart had not closed off. Once you strip away all expectations a whole new level of perception and wonderfulness opens up.

Any other comments? (Feel free to write anything)

Honestly, I feel I am not the one to give advice because I cannot explain what happened or how I deserve this. I didn’t give up hope and kept involved in church activities, but I never did any conditions, never prayed; I’m not the religious type. That is why it has been even more shocking and moving to find out that friends had been praying for me, and soon after they made a suggestion that led to me getting Blessed a year later.

What were the main challenges you experienced in getting matched?

Finding the right person even though I had travelled to other places outside of my home region of Australia and New Zealand. I felt the stress and pressure of getting older and not knowing how to approach getting matched: putting myself out there despite feeling a bit hopeless, trying to not feel desperate. It felt as though I was putting my life on hold despite wanting to move forward.

What were the key decisions and efforts you made to overcome these challenges?

Trusting that God can work through other people to help me find a match. Deciding to take the matching into my own hands (to be proactive) and not just relying on my parents, although having their support was much needed.

I decided to try many different ways of getting to know other people. For example, I attended various workshops, traveling and meeting people in other communities. I allowed myself to relax about my age. I was willing to pursue a potential matching possibility and take the opportunities that come (even if they don’t work out).

What would you have done differently or what would you advise others not to do?

I would probably say that the times when I wasn’t fully committed to the process was when I had any sort of difficult experiences. For example, I was really not excited about the matching website but thought I SHOULD do it to make progress. That attitude really didn’t help me progress and made me feel quite frustrated at the whole process even more. Being excited about or committed to the approach is something that I should have paid more attention to – it is a very exciting thing! Having an impatient attitude when you’re waiting can leave you blocked and frustrated. Being matched and blessed now, I can say that it was completely worth the wait. I wish I had allowed myself to enjoy other areas in life a bit more instead of focusing on the frustration.

What lessons have you learned through your journey to getting matched?

God knows you better than you might think. Drawing up an image of the kind of life I would like to live and the person I could see myself with allowed me to find my soulmate. I learned that it’s important to have faith that you can reach your goal and target even if it seems impossible because it only takes one little link to connect you to that person. I’m so happy that I didn’t give up and persevered!

What would you say to another Blessed Child over 24 who is making efforts to get matched and Blessed?

While waiting, keep yourself busy! Even though it might be one of your main focuses don’t allow yourself be completely consumed by it. I started a few new hobbies to keep my mind in a healthy and positive state. Don’t become inactive because you feel desperate but be decisive about the kind of person you would like to meet and could see yourself with.

What were the main challenges you experienced in getting matched?

I’m a rather insecure and indecisive person, so the matching and the decision about who to get married to was always intimidating for me. No matter how much I tried fitting into the system, I felt very strongly that the matching system, as good as it may be, simply would not work for me. I really couldn’t connect to it or see why it is the way that I will find my partner. It rather felt it was a huge obstacle to finding him!

Also, my parents and I tried really hard to work together, but we just couldn’t manage to be on the same page about how to do it and it felt pretty awkward. In hindsight, I would say that back then, I didn’t know what “a relationship” is about. I had an abstract, idealistic idea about being a “blessed couple” that had hardly anything to do with real life. So I still needed (and need) to learn a lot about the most basic aspects of human life (connection, love, vulnerability, etc.).

What were the key decisions and efforts you made to overcome these challenges?

In 2014, at the age of 25, I got to a point where I realised, you could say I decided, that GOD IS BIGGER than the matching system. SO much bigger. So I told my parents I would take it into my own hands. However, I had absolutely no idea what to do because I’m REALLY not the kind of person who will go up to a guy and suggest a matching! So I went by the motto: “I’ll do my best, and God does the rest.” I updated my profile on the website. I got in contact with the person organizing the 24+ retreat in the USA and considered going. People told me that there aren’t a lot of people out there, but I knew that I don’t need many but only ONE! I was confident that God will provide and that there is a way for me. I may not see it, but that doesn’t matter. Also, I realised that I had never really felt open for a relationship and mainly tried to get matched because that’s what I was supposed to do! In many ways, I felt afraid of a relationship. However, through a long process, I grew my confidence that this relationship WILL happen, whether it takes a month or a year or longer. And eventually I got to a point where I finally felt truly open for it.

What would you have done differently or what would you advise others not to do?

I’m grateful for the journey and everything that happened along the way, including two, rather short, matching processes that were both ended by the other person. Also, I don’t regret receiving the blessing this “late”. I took as much time as I needed until I felt ready, and for me, the “how” is more important than the “when”. This way, I was able to go to the blessing with a happy, grateful heart and KNOW what I’m doing! Also, I think at a younger age, I wouldn’t have known myself enough in order to go through the growing process that the matching experience brought about. Instead of becoming more open, I would probably have pushed away this wonderful person who I feel is the best partner God could have picked for me.

What lessons have you learned through your journey to getting matched?

Don’t believe everything you think.

Any other comments

My spouse says that the first time we met, he felt that I was “the one” for him. He didn’t tell me, though, so we developed out friendship over two years. Then he felt prepared and ready to approach me, which, miraculously, happened to be at the same time I felt ready! However, I wasn’t really sure how to react. I thought about his suggestion for a week and focused on the things that are most important to me in a relationship, which was very helpful.

I came to the conclusion that despite how little I know him, I see the potential to have the kind of relationship I wish for. And this potential now proves to be more than true. However, it took me more than a year to overcome my fear of commitment until my fear didn’t control me anymore and I could happily say “yes”. Along the way, I received support from not only my spouse but many different people. I think that especially for someone like me, who finds it difficult to trust herself and know what I want, it was very good that the circumstances forced me to make this decision – my decision. Also, there were many experiences and situations along the way that kept reassuring me that GOD IS IN THIS – that God is guiding both of us and has been leading us to find each other. I still feel this guidance today. Both of us feel that our blessing is a miracle, a grace and a blessing.

There are a lot of resources / books / articles about fear of commitment out there, so I advise you to take a look if that is something you are trying to deal with.